The VERB - February '09

The following quiz is a bit of naughty fun.
If you don't enjoy naughty fun, please stop reading now.

HOW PURPLE IS YOUR PROSE?

Purple prose is flowery, exaggerated writing that, while it may show up in any genre, especially loves to hang out in romance novels.

The trend began back in the seventies when love scenes became more explicit and authors sought new ways to describe the more sensitive parts of the human anatomy. Nowadays most authors have come to their senses and gone back to calling a spoke a spoke.

How about you? When your characters become amorous, do your descriptions fall into a hot steamy bath of embarrassment? Take the quiz below to check your purple prose level.

1. A pair of spherical bodies contained in an orbit of the skull and appearing externally as a dense, white, curved membrane, surrounding a circular, colored portion is usually referred to as...

   a) deep, sparkling orbs of fiery passion.
   b) the most beautiful pools of love he'd ever seen.
   c) eyes.

2. To touch with the lips slightly pursed, and then often to part them and to emit a smacking sound is usually referred to as...

   a) plump gates of lust pressed together in a tempestuous battle for tongue supremacy.
   b) the most beautiful touch she'd ever felt.
   c) kissing.

3. An aroused male organ of copulation is usually referred to as...

   a) a throbbing torpedo of gravity-defying manhood surging through the sea of destiny.
   b) the most beautiful sign she'd ever seen.
   c) an erection.

4. To take or clasp in the arms and press to the bosom is usually referred to as...

   a) magically engulfing her love vessel with his tanned, muscular boughs.
   b) the most beautiful touch he'd ever felt.
   c) an embrace.

5. Two milk-secreting, glandular organs on the chest of a woman are usually referred to as...

   a) fleshy mounds of heaving desire.
   b) the most beautiful profile he'd ever seen.
   c) breasts.

If you chose the C answers, your hot bath holds nothing but crystal clear water. You call 'em like you see 'em. A true storyteller.

If you chose the B answers, your hot bath has a tinge of lavender. Not as intense as purple, but still a bit exaggerated. Every description is the most beautiful ever seen by any one in the whole wide world. Ever! Perhaps add a few more beautiful adjectives to your beautiful repertoire.

If you chose the A answers, you are drowning in a proliferous pond of purple petunia prose. The result of this plague consists of giggles, groans and severe gagging from the audience. Open the drain immediately.